I love the saying, “don’t believe everything you think.”

It’s such a good reminder that none of us have a God camera. None of us see everything as it really is. What we see are our own interpretations of ourselves, others, and the world around us. Much the way a map is just an interpretation of a geographical area, our mind constructs a map of our reality.

But a map of Maui will never give you the full experience of sitting atop Haleakala at sunrise. Similarly, our interpretation of reality will never be a complete and full experience, nor will our interpretations be the same as someone else’s.

We all have an incomplete and distorted map of reality. Oftentimes, it is difficult to sift through what is, and what we think is. This is why it is useful to let go of attachments to being right.

Being in a committed relationship is all about moving through life with another human, and creating a shared meaning system, using two totally different maps. The only way to do this successfully is to spend our lives seeking to understand the other person’s map: what he or she thinks, believes, feels, desires, fears, enjoys, etc.

This can be particularly challenging to do when conflict arises. During these times, individuals often become focused on “winning” or “being right,” rather than staying focused on understanding their partner’s perspective.

But, relationship masters are different.

They see conflict as an opportunity to deepen their understanding of their partner’s map. They choose the approach of “help me understand your point of view,” rather than “why don’t you get it.”

Winning, or “being right” is often the enemy of warmth, kindness, respect and openness. Having a rigid attachment to our perspectives can keep us stuck in our relationship. Rather than expanding our capacity to love, we firmly maintain our locked positions.

Marriage offers opportunities to practice openness and non-attachment (to old ways of thinking). These opportunities can create growth, and increase love and mutual understanding.

Sadly, we often miss these opportunities because we are trying to convince the other person of our correctness. But, it’s not about who is right and who is wrong. It’s not about proving our rightness or winning the argument.

It’s about listening and being open to considering the other point of view. It’s saying, “hey baby, teach me. Help me understand your perspective (map) here.” Then, acknowledging when there is some degree of validity in the other person’s perspective, like “You know what, I never thought of it that way,” or “that’s actually a really good point.”

This is all part of accepting influence from our partner, which is a fundamental trait in highly successful marriages.

It does take practice and breaking down old patterns. Sometimes those old self-righteous habits rear their ugly head. But with a little awareness, and letting go our attachment to being right, we are immediately more open and willing to consider our partner’s point of view.

Stop trying to win arguments. What is lost in the pursuit of being right is far greater than what is won. Rather than focusing on your next strategy to win, start

really listening instead.