Sometimes we have beliefs in our relationship that aren’t true, and they can lead to unresourceful behaviors. My husband and I used to think we should stay in a disagreement until the end, even if it was going badly. This stemmed from old beliefs like, “never go to bed angry,” and “if I exit this conversation, I’m abandoning my relationship.”

The truth is, there is a time and place to take a break in a conversation. And, the right time is when either partner becomes physiologically flooded.

Does this sound familiar? You’re having a conversation, when all of a sudden your partner says something that sets you off. The next thing you know, you’re overcome with rage, fear, hurt or panic. It almost feels as though something has taken hold of your body. You may experience certain physiological sensations. Your jaw clenches and your body temperature skyrockets.

What is happening?

This is emotional flooding and it’s a fight or flight response. Your internal “threat-detecting” system has been activated, and in the process, your thinking brain shuts down. This is the sympathetic nervous system preparing you for battle, and your body to withstand damage.

These adaptations can be very useful in the midst of avoiding a car accident or coming into contact with a bear in the wild. However, these physiological changes will not be useful in conversations with your partner.

When I am flooded, I am a terrible listener. I cannot take in any new information my husband is trying to communicate. I can not reason or empathize. My instinct is to fight, using harsh, hurtful words as my weapon. And, compromise becomes impossible.

Science describes this as a decrease of function in my pre-frontal cortex, the center of higher cognition. It is imperative that we learn to recognize the signs of physiological flooding, and form a plan in advance for how to handle these situations.