How the Brain Keeps Us From a Level-10 Relationship


Sep 19

Several years ago, my husband and I were hiking down a steep slope to a river, to spend a fun day in the sun. On my back was a metal framed beach chair, and on my feet were flip flops. Suddenly I felt myself slipping down the slope. But, with my hands full of picnic fixings, there was no stopping the impact. My tailbone smashed into the metal frame, as I crashed to the ground on my back. If you know the discomfort of a broken tailbone, you know!

If you’ve ever had any kind of injury, you also know it can be a pretty scary to take risks again.

What does this have to do with relationships?

Our brain is hard wired to protect us. In fact, the number one job of the unconscious mind is to keep you SAFE from harm: both physically AND emotionally. Sometimes it will even deceive us, in order to prevent harm.

If there is a risk of getting hurt, the brain will create a stress response. This response could be fear, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness or abandonment, or even physical symptoms like pain or illness, all in an effort to prevent injury. This is your brain’s way of protecting you; the brain will always prioritize safety.

And, what’s safe is anything familiar.

Think about that!

Safety is what’s familiar to the brain: familiar thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviors. Your brain is wired to keep you stuck in the familiar because it feels SAFE there. There are no surprise falls in the familiar.

But, often familiar is lackluster, mediocre, unfulfilling, boring or downright miserable.

Familiar is NOT growth.

Familiar is what keeps us stuck. It’s what keeps us repeating the past. It’s what keeps us from having a level-10 relationship.

What’s the solution?

  • The solution to all change is the same. You start by owning it. Something within ME is creating my situation. I am not a victim of circumstance, but the creator of my experience. My past experiences, beliefs, and emotions have led me to where I am. If I want to be in a different place next year, I have to be willing to rewrite those experiences, change my beliefs, and let go of past emotions.

  • Forgive and let go. The longer you hold on to bitterness and anger from the past, the louder your brain is going to scream “WATCH OUT FOR DANGER!” After all, your brain is only doing its job to protect you! If you’ve been hurt in previous relationships, you’re going to need to reconcile it. If you’re holding onto betrayal or anger in your current relationship, you’re going to need to forgive it. Otherwise, stuck is inevitable.

  • Know, DO, and BE what you want instead. This is where you may need to take conscious control of your life, and focus on it until it becomes automatic. You may have to skill up! You may need to learn new strategies for how to communicate. You may want to find a mentor or model excellent behavior from those who have mastered the things you want.

This is how you tell the brain, no! I don’t want safe. I don’t want the familiar old patterns of the past.


Why this Works?

Neuroscience teaches us that the brain has neuroplasticity. This is the brain’s ability to grow and evolve, based on our life experiences. It’s the ability to adapt and change, over time, by creating new neurons and building new networks.

Through this neuroplasticity, we have the ability to step out of being stuck. Within our power is everything we need to change dysfunctional patterns, to develop new mindsets, new memories, new beliefs, and new skills….and even a level-10 relationship.

Stay in touch.