Is polyamory a viable way to sustain a lasting relationship?


Oct 21


Well the answer really depends on your definition of “work.” But, let’s explore.

Polyamory is the practice of having romantic or sexual relationships with more than one person, with the mutual consent of all parties. Is this a viable way to sustain a lasting relationship? This is a fairly common question, as this practice increases in popularity.

Based on scientific research, and our personal experiences in working with couples, the short answer is NO.

Now, I know there are very strong opinions on this issue, and some who will disagree. And, when it comes to personal opinions, as a libertarian, I believe everyone should have the right to live their adult lives as they choose.

Professionally, however, we aren’t interested in opinions and theories. For decades, marriage therapy has been plagued with too many practices based on theories and conjecture, resulting in terrible long-term outcomes and high rates of relapse.

This is why we are interested only in evidence-based approaches to couples/marital coaching. We are interested in what REALLY works. There is very little debate that married households have far better outcomes than all other alternative arrangements. Based on research, we know what works, and what predicts divorce/separation.

Commitment is a fundamental principle that is necessary for the long term survival and advancement of the relationship.

When it comes to researching polyamorous relationships, the simple fact is that

studying these relationships has been difficult for researchers because the relationships often end before the longitudinal studies can be completed.

Nothing compares to the depth of connection and intimacy that two people can generate in a committed relationship. The depth that most people really want can only be accomplish through commitment, where each person gives their heart to only one.

Three BIG reasons polyamory will never work long term:

  • While love can be infinite, our resources are not. It is physically impossible to invest all of our time, energy, money, commitment, and attention to more than one individual. This becomes an emotional trap that generates feelings of betrayal, jealousy and hurt. Handling the wounded feelings and performing the emotional jumping jacks that become necessary can be exhausting! And remember, our energy is finite. As a woman, especially, this often leads to emotional disassociation. When we ignore our heart, we experience suffering on an emotional and physical level. In fact, health conditions, such as chronic pain, have been associated with long-term disassociation.

  • There’s always a “Plan B.” When conflict arises, it’s easy to be less invested in solutions. Conflict is actually necessary for deepening relationships. Taking personal responsibility to work out our issues helps us increase our capacity to love and understand one another. When you can just leave the problem, and go elsewhere, personal responsibility is often disregarded. Relationships that have a “Plan B” have less growth and depth.

  • This for That (trades) relationships become self serving and destroy trust. In polyamorous relationships, there’s usually always a trade. When you create a relationship based on trades, the relationship is headed for trouble (yes, in monogamy, too!). When you keep a scorecard, you stop giving when you stop getting. Thus, value stops being added to the relationship. Bernard Murstein discovered that a quid-pro quo way of thinking is characteristic of failing relationships and friendships. When one or both partners start thinking, “I did this for that person, and it never got reciprocated,” that’s a big red flag.

Commitment is putting all your eggs in one basket . There is no “Plan B.” Showing commitment is when you say to your partner, “baby, I love you. You’re the only one for me. And, because you’re the love of my life, I need to tell you what’s bothering me. I need to talk to you about what I need and feel. Let’s work on this issue and grow together.”

Feeling commitment is when you are alone, thinking to yourself, “I’m so grateful for this person in my life", rather than comparing him to someone else or something else you don’t have. It’s putting the other person’s needs equal to your own, and actually having the capacity and resources to do so.

I love that even after being married more than 30 years, I am still learning new things about commitment every single day. And, I don’t plan to ever stop! To me it is the foundation of truly loving another human being to my fullest potential.

Stay in touch.