“Contempt often begins as a reaction. Say, for example, our partner brings up a simple complaint or concern. Instead of seeing it as a concern, we get threatened or triggered. If we lack the emotional regulation to communicate, we might turn to contempt as a response - rather than respectfully articulating how we're feeling or what we need in the moment.” - Sharla Snow, from Podcast episode 8

Introduction:

In a recent podcast episode, divorce research done by John Gottman was discussed, which revealed that there are eight predictors of a divorce. The study found that the number one predictor of divorce is contempt, which is corrosive to love and can lead to emotional and psychological abuse. The goal of this blog post is to help readers understand what contempt is, how it affects relationships, and what they can do to change this behavior.

Contempt is any statement or non-verbal behavior that tries to elevate one person above another. This can take many forms, including putdowns, mocking, name-calling, belittling, shaming, mimicking, disgust, and condescension. It can also be passive-aggressive humor or a sarcastic tone of voice. Contempt often begins as a reaction, triggered by emotional responses that stem from prior experiences that have been stored within our nervous system.

The impact of contempt goes beyond just present relationships, as it can affect future generations as well. A child who sees and hears contemptuous behavior may adopt similar behaviors when they're triggered, upset or trying to assert themselves. When partners are contemptuous, they act superior to their spouse, which often leads to defensiveness and stonewalling, thereby leading to further damage in the relationship.

Contempt varies in intensity and can range from more subtle to extreme levels. The extreme form of contempt is emotional and psychological abuse, and in most cases, the abuser knows exactly what they're doing. They use contempt as a weapon to control, overpower, manipulate, and dominate their partner.

Fortunately, there are steps one can take to change this behavior. With that said, here are 5 ways to change this behavior in yourself 👊

1. Recognize it and take personal responsibility

 The first step is to recognize that contempt is toxic and commit to change it.

2. Empathy

Next, we must develop empathy and take personal responsibility for our behavior. We must put ourselves in our partner's shoes and understand their experience of us. To do this, one can try the "perceptual positions" exercise, which involves floating out of our body and into our partner's body, looking through their lens.

3. See our spouse as infinitely valuable

The third step is to look at our partner as infinitely valuable. We must dwell on their positive aspects and how our lives are enriched by having them in it. We must avoid focusing on their flaws or our superiority over them.

4. Use a gentle start up

The fourth step is to always start a conversation gently. Most of the time, how we start a conversation is how it will end. If we begin a conversation with contempt, it's unlikely to go well.

5. Interrupt the Pattern

Lastly, if we feel triggered, we must find ways to interrupt the automatic response. We can take a break, use a safe word or hand signal, and find ways to calm our nervous system down.

In Conclusion

In conclusion, contempt can destroy present relationships and affect future generations. It is essential to recognize it, take responsibility, develop empathy, dwell on the positive, start a conversation gently and interrupt the automatic response. Changing contemptuous behavior isn't easy, but it's worth it for ourselves, our loved ones, and our children. By following these steps, one can make rapid pattern changes and ultimately save their relationship from contempt's corrosive effects.

Listen to the full podcast episode, "What's the #1 Relationship Poison?" anywhere you enjoy your podcasts.

Other resources to help you end contempt in your marriage